video #1 of 22
The Signs that your Relationship Won't last long w/ Ester Parel and Louis Howes
Why watch?
My antenna goes up every time I feel like I can get a tip on how to make my relationship with my wife better. Not that there’s anything wrong with things - it’s just I want things to be as good as they can be. Maybe you are the same as me?
This lady, Esther Parel, really impressed me with her intelligence and communication style. I found it a bit of a “wake up call ” video to bring awareness to both the pitfalls and high potential a relationship can be if you put some time and creativity into it. I give it a nine and 9.5 out of 10!
My 3 main takeaways:
Can't expect your marriage to be on auto pilot. Like a plant that needs to be watered and nourished. It’s not a cactus.
Your spouse is not a village. They can't be expected to cover all the bases of your emotional needs. Cultivate other friends to help out.
50% of first marriages fail and 65% of second marriages fail so please don't take anything for granted.
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Here are points that I thought she made and much of what's written here is in her own words not mine.
She answers what can go wrong in a relationship? Four big things that are something to watch out for our 1. contempt 2. indifference 3. Micro aggression and 4. neglect.
1) Indifference : When you feel like your partner isn't caring about you or you're losing interest and you sort of feel like they don't matter anymore; that’s a bad thing and can lead to disaster. We all want “to matter” and “I matter to you” it's a very important thing to feel. So when we act and behave in ways that they don't matter that's not good and can use that as a sign post to wake up and begin to change for the better. A sense of estrangement and disconnect can creep in and so we must nip these feelings at the Bud.
2.) Neglect. This is about taking each other for granted. Do you take more care of your car, your yard, your job, more than your relationship? Does everything else matter more to you than your relationship. Everything was great when you were dating but after you get married everything tends to go out the window. There is a tendency to think the relationship is going to live on its own like a cactus.
3) Micro violence . Most people talk nicely to strangers and workmates and virtually anyone else that they run into. Talking disrespectfully to your spouse or partner and just taking them for granted you feel they should “take it" because they’re “family.” You just lash out and talk to them at a tone that is truly dismissive. Not quite the right thing to do to maintain a healthy relationship.
4) Contempt is the worst. With contempt you tend to degrade the other person and begin to consider their opinion as “nothing”….as in one little raised eyebrow and a feeling that basically you don't matter at all…. that’s a terrible place to get.
So how did we fall into these four pitfalls when at first we were so much in love?
• One big thing everyone should recognize is that you learned a lot about “how to love” from our family when we grew up. A lot of this you have to unlearn. Here we learned a lot about closeness, trust, loyalty, commitment, sharing, taking, receiving, asking. All these essential verbs of relationship we learned at home. Jealousy, possessiveness, vengeance. The beauty and the non- beauty and we bring that with us; we promised ourselves it will never be that way but it’s human nature. We often blame our partner for our own hangups.
Who knew :
• Women get bored of monogamy much sooner than men; a researched fact. Usually the romance falls by the wayside and so the “monogamy” sex loses its appeal. Seduction with it’s back-and-forth dance is important for a relationship and things tend to plummet when there's no seduction.
• We want our one partner to give us everything. We say to them: I want you to be cosy and I want an edge; I want to be surprised and I want you to be familiar; I want there to be continuity and I want to some novelty. She claims that no Victoria's Secret will solve that.
• When you see people at lunch in a cafeteria laughing and really interested in each other we should think “that is how we should be with our spouses. We should be alive and awake and offering them the best. “
• Giving your partner the best of you is what you should be doing. Not the leftovers when you come home at night. Instead of meeting at night meet at lunch and be one of those people that you have lunch with; have something to offer and be “awake” when your are with your partner.
Risk-taking
• If you want desire, it's about taking a risk and it's an emotional risk; it's about bringing something new about myself forward, different from the normal presentation of yourself. Ask what can I do today that would be different than I have done it in the previous days. How can I do something that will improve our relationship how can I change me that can be good for us.
• You don't have to do something big every day. You just have to do something small. Is there something I should know; something I should be thankful for. Is there a little note that I could write. Is there some thing, some little way I can show up to the relationship that adds to it?
• Being more alert and curious is the essential because when you are curious you lean forward you're open to the mysteries of life.
• If you think it's too much work, compare it to what it would be for another context in your life.Your relationship will thrive if you used similar reward systems incentives with benefits that you create at work.
• Saying “Please and thank you” is a really good place to start. Say please and thank you to your spouse; thank you for doing this or that. Thank you for washing my clothes, etc. makes him or her feel appreciated. Gratitude and appreciation and acknowledgement for the presence of the other person in your life is a very good thing. Admiration is huge.
• Divorce rate is 50% on the first 65% on 2nd marriage.
• The Quality of our lives depends on the quality of our relationships.
At the end of the day are you there for your spouse? Are you present? Are you engaged? Are you creative? Did you make it work?
• Appreciation, gratitude, do little things, do nice things even though it doesn't matter to you; you know it matters to them. Give each other a lot of individual space; not everything needs to be shared; people have different passions, interests, friends and they need to separate spaces to exist.
• Don’t try to make it your partner fit into one-size-fits-all. There is no such thing as one partner being able to do everything for you. Your partner is not a village. Your partner is a single person. Find multiple sources of connection for intimacy and friendship so that you can have a group of people to support you not just one person who has to be there for everything! Especially when you're in the dumpster; one person is not a village.
• Don’t be you're not excepting of me; you're not supportive of me; just find other people to help you and fill out your life. Don’t expect too much from your spouse.